Sunday, August 22, 2010

Scary movies are tiresome

I know that horror movies are popular, and I know that they aren't going to go away, which is fine. I don't want them to go away, I just want them to be more interesting. Every once in awhile something comes out that gets everyone all excited, but for the most part, horror movies and slasher flicks all follow the same tired formula:

1. Cast a bunch of hot chicks that are nobodies and one or two hot chicks that have some street cred.

2. Repeat with some dudes. One, possibly two of those dudes must be black.

3. Have the entire group somehow inter-relate to each other regardless of the social or economic unlikelihood of this happening.

4. Kill one, possibly both of the black dudes. Also, one or two of the hot chicks.

5. Let the nerdy dude survive just long enough to impress upon one of the other hot chicks that he is worthy of her attention. In movies, as in life, once this beachhead has been established crushing disappointment (in this case, horrible death) will overwhelm him and push him back into the sea.

6. The known actors will make out.

7. Possibly both will make it, more likely just one. In any event, the monster/murderer will get "killed"

8. If more than forty-three dollars was made at the box office, start pumping out sequels.

9. Repeat. Endlessly.

However, I have come up with a concept that is not only relatively new, but I believe would also be interesting. Show the movie from the perspective of the monster. Seriously, hasn't anyone wondered what Freddy or Jason or Michael do in their spare time? I mean, they aren't always killing, right? It takes some time to plan out these attacks, so there have to be days where absolutely no slaughter occurs.

It's like NASCAR, really. Dale Earnhardt Jr. doesn't just race and make ads. He also sleeps, reads his mail, looks at the Internet, goes out to eat, and makes sweet, passionate love to groupies. I am better actual seat-time for Junior only takes up maybe 10-20 hours of his week. Therefore, it must be that Freddy, when not sticking his finger-knives through the supple flesh of teenage virgins, does something.

Therein lies the plot of the movie. Perhaps you show Freddy sitting around his apartment in hell playing x-box. He notices that there are all these sleeping bastards on whom he can exact his vengeance, but he just decides to make some popcorn and enjoy the new Halo. Perhaps he also enjoys painting or walking his dog or something similarly pedestrian. If nothing else, you gotta figure the guy reads or something. I assume it's something crappy like the Necronomicon, but still.

In any event, make something different and I will probably watch it.


Randy said...

Yeah, I got say what bugs me most about the Scream / I Know What You Did Last Summer genre is the fact that the bag guy is simply a lone human with a sharp implement. I mean seriously, there's like 6 of you! Ok, so somebody may end yp taking one for the team, but the rest of the group could easily overpower the dude and stomp him into the ground...

J.R.Shirley said...

Awesome idea.

And I love your poster.